Saturday Rave: fantasy football.

Why was Cinderella so bad at football?

a) Because the town council had lined their pockets selling off all the public playing fields. 

b) Because the prince hadn't stopped the town council selling off the public playing fields. Why, if the poor people got fit they might start a revolution.


G. P. Jacomb Hood

c) Because Cinderella's fairy godmother was a victim of conditioned sexism and saw her task as ushering Cinderella straight from one form of slavery to another, namely marriage.



d) Because the ideals of western history, embodied in the prince, had imposed a cult of passive decoration on all women.

e) Because if Cinderella were allowed out in the town people would realise afresh just how ugly Cinderella's sisters were.

f) Because you don't have time to practise your ball skills when you're running a household.

g) Because Cinderella was a victim of fashion, and you can't play football very well in glass slippers.

h) Because Cinderella was a victim of poverty, and you can't play football very well barefoot.

i) Because no one worth marrying was going to fancy someone with, like, messy hair, runny make up, and thick thigh muscles. I mean, duhhhhh...
 
j) Because Cinderella was a victim of the class system. (If she were going to pay a sport it would have had to have been either dressage or lacrosse.)

k) Because the ball's roundness is an image of fertility. Assaulting it would be subconsciously abhorrent to Cinderella as a rejection of her own femininity.

l) Because she kept running away from the ball.

But, most of all:

m) Because her coach was a pumpkin!

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Away with Literary Criticism: the last's my favourite!


Word To Use Today: pumpkin. This word comes from the Old French pompon, from the Latin pepo, from peptein, to ripen