I've just written an academic paper.
Well, when I say written...
I'm grateful to Jemima Lewis of the Daily Telegraph newspaper for pointing me in the direction of a piece of software invented at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
The program is called SCIgen, and I do recommend it to you (follow THIS LINK and type in an author's name. It's as simple as that).
If you do, you will soon be the author of an extremely impressive papers. One reason SCIgen-produced papers are so impressive is that they are impossible to understand. The reason they're impossible to understand is that they are utter and complete rubbish from beginning to end.
To make my glee complete, a French scientist, Cyril Labbé, has identified more than 120 SCIgen papers which have been published by academic institutions in Germany, China and the US.
And one final delight: M Labbé had to use a computer to find the SCIgen generated papers, because hardly anyone can understand academic writing anyway.
Here's my paper. It's got graphs and everything. It's total gibberish, but even though I should really be very cross indeed about this sort of thing, I absolutely love it.
Constant-Time, Perfect Technology
Al Gibberish, Sally Prue, and Hugh Noes
Table of Contents1) Introduction
2) Related Work
Mathematicians agree that permutable technology are an interesting new topic in the field of networking, and cyberneticists concur. To put this in perspective, consider the fact that little-known end-users continuously use the transistor [13,11,11,12] to solve this quagmire. On the other hand, an unproven quandary in robotics is the emulation of multicast algorithms. Nevertheless, SMPs alone is not able to fulfill the need for the improvement of simulated annealing.
Two properties make this solution optimal: our methodology manages access points, and also Tragedy synthesizes random communication. On the other hand, this solution is always adamantly opposed. We emphasize that Tragedy prevents the construction of the lookaside buffer. The usual methods for the development of voice-over-IP do not apply in this area. Indeed, the memory bus and simulated annealing have a long history of synchronizing in this manner.
We argue not only that the well-known distributed algorithm for the investigation of flip-flop gates by John Hennessy et al.  runs in Θ(2n) time, but that the same is true for expert systems . Unfortunately, constant-time communication might not be the panacea that futurists expected. Existing probabilistic and certifiable applications use the study of local-area networks to improve self-learning epistemologies. The basic tenet of this solution is the improvement of symmetric encryption. We view steganography as following a cycle of four phases: analysis, allowance, analysis, and investigation. Even though similar methodologies study online algorithms, we address this challenge without exploring thin clients.
We question the need for scatter/gather I/O. it should be noted that our framework is recursively enumerable. Despite the fact that conventional wisdom states that this obstacle is entirely surmounted by the study of the transistor, we believe that a different method is necessary. As a result, we explore an analysis of I/O automata (Tragedy), arguing that the little-known cooperative algorithm for the deployment of write-ahead logging by Kobayashi et al.  is Turing complete.
The rest of this paper is organized as follows. First, we motivate the need for gigabit switches. To overcome this problem, we construct a novel methodology for the evaluation of sensor networks (Tragedy), which we use to show that sensor networks and cache coherence are always incompatible. To accomplish this purpose, we introduce a novel application for the improvement of DHCP (Tragedy), which we use to argue that the location-identity split can be made Bayesian, trainable, and decentralized . Continuing with this rationale, we verify the simulation of virtual machines. In the end, we conclude.
2 Related Work
The improvement of electronic epistemologies has been widely studied. A recent unpublished undergraduate dissertation presented a similar idea for linear-time modalities . Maruyama and White developed a similar system, on the other hand we demonstrated that our heuristic is in Co-NP. These methodologies typically require that the Internet can be made replicated, cacheable, and semantic, and we validated here that this, indeed, is the case.
Our heuristic is broadly related to work in the field of e-voting technology by S. Abiteboul et al., but we view it from a new perspective: the evaluation of redundancy. Harris  originally articulated the need for Scheme. The original solution to this question  was considered practical; contrarily, such a hypothesis did not completely overcome this challenge. It remains to be seen how valuable this research is to the hardware and architecture community. Obviously, despite substantial work in this area, our method is apparently the system of choice among electrical engineers.
Unlike many prior solutions, we do not attempt to request or analyze highly-available information . We believe there is room for both schools of thought within the field of cryptography. Our system is broadly related to work in the field of theory by Watanabe, but we view it from a new perspective: robust configurations [20,14,5]. We believe there is room for both schools of thought within the field of artificial intelligence. Continuing with this rationale, we had our solution in mind before Sasaki and Anderson published the recent famous work on e-business . The choice of 8 bit architectures in  differs from ours in that we construct only practical communication in our application. Our solution to read-write information differs from that of Dennis Ritchie  as well.
In this section, we present a framework for synthesizing IPv6. Similarly, rather than harnessing the synthesis of the memory bus, Tragedy chooses to observe stochastic theory. The design for our methodology consists of four independent components: "fuzzy" configurations, the investigation of A* search, scatter/gather I/O, and pervasive information. This may or may not actually hold in reality. We consider a framework consisting of n SMPs. We estimate that superblocks can evaluate "smart" algorithms without needing to improve von Neumann machines.
Reality aside, we would like to synthesize an architecture for how our approach might behave in theory. This may or may not actually hold in reality. We executed a 7-week-long trace demonstrating that our framework is feasible. This seems to hold in most cases. We assume that the acclaimed trainable algorithm for the simulation of model checking by Zheng is Turing complete. We postulate that wireless algorithms can explore knowledge-based modalities without needing to evaluate spreadsheets. The question is, will Tragedy satisfy all of these assumptions? Yes, but with low probability.
Reality aside, we would like to evaluate an architecture for how our heuristic might behave in theory. On a similar note, Figure 1 plots Tragedy's stable investigation. Figure 1 plots the relationship between our algorithm and the refinement of DHTs. Figure 2 shows the diagram used by our application. Although system administrators entirely assume the exact opposite, Tragedy depends on this property for correct behavior. Next, despite the results by Williams et al., we can disconfirm that e-business and DHTs are often incompatible. This seems to hold in most cases. The question is, will Tragedy satisfy all of these assumptions? The answer is yes.
Though many skeptics said it couldn't be done (most notably Richard Karp et al.), we present a fully-working version of Tragedy. Along these same lines, the centralized logging facility contains about 8449 instructions of Lisp. Tragedy requires root access in order to create the location-identity split. Along these same lines, the virtual machine monitor and the collection of shell scripts must run with the same permissions. Cyberneticists have complete control over the hacked operating system, which of course is necessary so that vacuum tubes can be made classical, modular, and game-theoretic . The hand-optimized compiler and the centralized logging facility must run with the same permissions.
We now discuss our evaluation. Our overall evaluation methodology seeks to prove three hypotheses: (1) that IPv4 no longer adjusts system design; (2) that an algorithm's code complexity is not as important as USB key space when improving interrupt rate; and finally (3) that the transistor has actually shown duplicated bandwidth over time. Note that we have decided not to harness RAM space. Our logic follows a new model: performance really matters only as long as complexity takes a back seat to scalability. Our evaluation strives to make these points clear.
5.1 Hardware and Software Configuration
Though many elide important experimental details, we provide them here in gory detail. We carried out an emulation on MIT's Planetlab overlay network to prove adaptive modalities's influence on the work of Canadian gifted hacker Venugopalan Ramasubramanian . We quadrupled the effective RAM speed of our network. We added some optical drive space to our decommissioned Apple ][es. We removed 300 RISC processors from our 10-node overlay network to measure heterogeneous archetypes's impact on Edward Feigenbaum's emulation of voice-over-IP in 1935. This configuration step was time-consuming but worth it in the end. Similarly, we removed some 100MHz Intel 386s from our XBox network to discover models. Continuing with this rationale, we added some tape drive space to our 1000-node overlay network to disprove the lazily electronic nature of multimodal epistemologies. This step flies in the face of conventional wisdom, but is instrumental to our results. Lastly, we doubled the effective flash-memory throughput of our human test subjects.
Tragedy runs on autonomous standard software. All software was linked using a standard toolchain with the help of Edgar Codd's libraries for randomly improving SoundBlaster 8-bit sound cards [10,21,17,15,11]. All software components were compiled using a standard toolchain built on the Japanese toolkit for opportunistically investigating UNIVACs. Third, we implemented our A* search server in Lisp, augmented with randomly distributed extensions. We made all of our software is available under a the Gnu Public License license.
5.2 Dogfooding Our Heuristic
We have taken great pains to describe out evaluation methodology setup; now, the payoff, is to discuss our results. With these considerations in mind, we ran four novel experiments: (1) we deployed 98 PDP 11s across the underwater network, and tested our flip-flop gates accordingly; (2) we measured DHCP and instant messenger performance on our homogeneous testbed; (3) we dogfooded Tragedy on our own desktop machines, paying particular attention to effective RAM speed; and (4) we compared seek time on the Mach, MacOS X and KeyKOS operating systems. We discarded the results of some earlier experiments, notably when we ran 85 trials with a simulated instant messenger workload, and compared results to our courseware emulation.
Now for the climactic analysis of experiments (3) and (4) enumerated above. The results come from only 1 trial runs, and were not reproducible. Second, Gaussian electromagnetic disturbances in our secure cluster caused unstable experimental results. Third, bugs in our system caused the unstable behavior throughout the experiments.
We next turn to the first two experiments, shown in Figure 5. Bugs in our system caused the unstable behavior throughout the experiments. We scarcely anticipated how accurate our results were in this phase of the evaluation method. Furthermore, note that Figure 4 shows the median and not effective partitioned 10th-percentile instruction rate.
Lastly, we discuss experiments (1) and (3) enumerated above. The curve in Figure 5 should look familiar; it is better known as Hij(n) = log√n. The curve in Figure 3 should look familiar; it is better known as h−1(n) = log( n loglog( n + logn ) + ( n + n ) ) . We scarcely anticipated how wildly inaccurate our results were in this phase of the evaluation.
In this work we constructed Tragedy, new "fuzzy" communication. On a similar note, in fact, the main contribution of our work is that we presented a heuristic for the appropriate unification of SMPs and Boolean logic (Tragedy), which we used to disconfirm that local-area networks  can be made introspective, replicated, and semantic. Lastly, we showed that lambda calculus can be made peer-to-peer, "smart", and unstable.
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I'm just sorry that Figure 2 didn't come out properly. I have a feeling that it would have explained everything. Word To Use Today: gibberish. This word is supposed to imitate the sound a monkey makes; though on the evidence above this would seem to be hugely unfair to monkeys.