I don't know who wrote The Emigrant's Return, but it's quoted by Samuel Reynolds Hole in his 1892 book The Memories of Dean Hole.
Here it is in full.
Scene - a cottage in Ireland, Enter EMIGRANT, who surveys the dwelling with emotion, and knocks on the door. Door opens. Enter INMATE.
EMIGRANT: Is my father alive?
INMATE: He is not.
EMIGRANT: Is my mother living?
INMATE: She is not.
EMIGRANT: Is there any whisky in this house?
INMATE: There is not.
EMIGRANT: [sighs heavily] This is indeed a woeful day! [Dies]
Slow music. Curtain.
Could any social occasion not be the better for its performance?
Word To Use Today: whisky. As it's presumably Irish whiskey the poor Emigrant is after, I'm surprised it isn't spelled with an e. But there you go. This word comes from the Scottish Gaelic uisge beatha, which means water of life.