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Thursday, 25 July 2013

Unprintable: a rant.

For every book that comes out, the publisher and the writer make a list of promises to each other.

This is called the contract.

I've just had a contract sent to me. One of the promises I have to make is that my book contains absolutely no...

...well, what do you think?

What do you think my book mustn't contain? I'll give you a couple of clues: the book's for the international market, and it's a children's book.

No, not that.

Nope, not that, either.

Well, that's an intelligent guess, but you're still nowhere near it.

Give up?

All right, then.

I'm having to guarantee that my book contains absolutely no sausages whatsoever.

Yes, that's right.


You know something? Sometimes the world seems so utterly and completely mad that I wonder if I'm hallucinating.

Ah well. All mad together.

File:Reunion sausages dsc07796.jpg
Copyright © 2005 David Monniaux

Word To Use Today: hallucinate. This word comes from the Latin word ālūcināri, to wander in mind, from the Greek aluein, to be distraught.

Though, actually, I don't really give a sausage.



  1. So, let me play Devil's advocate ...

    Would the mention of sausages limit the book's appeal to the Jewish demographic?

    Has a particularly heinous and socially-sensitive crime been committed with a sausage recently?

    Have sausages just become a bit cliche, with too many modern authors relying on them for comic relief?

    Is it because a sausage looks a bit like ... and I'm just going to come out and say it ... a cucumber, and lots of people really, really hate cucumbers?

    See? When you take a moment to try and see it from their perspective, it suddenly seems less utterly preposterous, doesn't it?

    1. Ah, but what if it was a beef sausage, Ed? Or a U-shaped salami sausage?

      But of course. The disrespect to cows might upset Hindus, and the diabolical horseshoe-shapes might lead to a boycott by just about everyone else.

      You're right, you know, Ed. I am suddenly filled with awe. Editors and lawyers really MUST be the wisest people on earth.

  2. Naaah! Jews would not I don't think be offended by beef sausages in the slightest. It's the porkiness that counts, not the there's a word!

    1. There's a gorgeous and irresistible word...sausageyness...and I'm going to use it as soon as I can!

    2. Isn't it a given that if you're offered a sausage, with no qualification, it's going to be pork? "Pork sausage" always sounds a bit redundant (and not very appetising), whereas if I'm buying beef sausages or turkey sausages (eww!), I want them to be labelled clear and loud.

    3. I know what you mean but, cynic that I am, I think my assumption tends to be that it'll be filled with rusk.

      Hey, I've just discovered that rusk is twice-baked, and is therefore literally biscuit (bis-cuire).

      Brilliant, eh?

      Yes, all right, all right, I'm easily pleased.

    4. Oh no! I had that argument the other day, defining biscuit, cookie, cracker and cake. Thank goodness you weren't there to introduce rusk into the foray!

    5. Yep, Ed, you;re right, I'm usually one of the fools who rush in where angels fear to tread.

      Never mind. This time I shall content myself with assuming an air of passive decoration.


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